Lost in the Abyss
by mamasutra
Summary: I wore his love like a noose around my neck. *o/s written for Dirty Cheeky Monkey's Wednesday Humpday* reposted
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

The party was in full swing when I saw him. He was standing by the little bitch that always seemed to be hanging off of him even though he claimed that they were only friends. What the fuck ever. I knew better. I wasn't dumb, no matter what he thought of me.

"Did you see fuckface?" I heard Leah call to me, forcing me to look away from him just as his eyes met mine. It was a good thing too since I couldn't stand to see him.

"Yeah, I did. Why didn't you tell me he would be here," I hissed at her as I hit her arm repeatedly and turned to look in his direction only to find him watching me with a curious look.

"How the hell was I supposed to know that Jake was going to bring his butt buddy," Leah screeched at me as I continued to swat her while she screamed at me.

"Will you shut the hell up? He's looking at us," I said as I shoved her, knocking her into some drunken girl who toddled by with a beer in her hands.

"Jesus, Bella," she said with a laugh as she looked over at where he was standing.

"He's not looking at me, he's looking at _you_," she said with a teasing laugh while pointing over at the guy who was now watching me with a teasing grin that I knew all too well. I hated that damn grin almost as much as I hated him.

"Oh Jesus, here he comes," Leah said as she tried to compose herself just as I turned to find my ex boyfriend and his tag along friend Jake lopping towards me as if he didn't have a care in the world. The worst part was that he probably didn't.

Edward Cullen was a spoiled rich kid who was thought that party didn't start until he walked in. Unfortunately for me, a lot of people thought that as well so as he crossed the crowded room he was greeted with warm slaps on the backs as the guys called his name while some of the drunken whore batted their eyes at him. It was disgusting and just another reminder of why we ended things.

"Bella," he said in a soft tone that should have been swallowed up by the bas thumping out of the speakers, but it wasn't. It was clear. It was melodic. It had a hint of teasing, but outside of that it was fucking perfect just like him.

"Fuck you Cullen," I spat at him in anger as I clenched my fist at my sides as he looked at me with a wide grin before he laughed at my anger.

"Damn, I miss your feistiness," he said with a laugh as he stepped closer to me. He was now close enough so that we were touching and touching him was mistake. It was a mistake that I always made.

"Go away," I said as I motioned for him to go, but he just laughed like the asshole he was as he reached out to take my hand in his.

"Still mad at me?" he asked me and then waited the space of a heart beat before he laughed at me once more. He knew I was mad. He knew he was wrong. He knew it and yet he would still goad me into a fucking hissy fit of anger over how he left me in a dinner an hour away from home.

"Just go," I said as he stood before me with his green eyes bright from beer and laughter as he surveyed me with a teasing look that turned me on and pissed me off all at once.

"It's what you're good at. You know, leaving," I mocked and then watched as my words stung him with the truth so badly that his eyes went wide before he abruptly turned and left me alone.

"Why are you such a bitch to him?" Jake asked like the good little lap dog he was for Edward while causing me to stop following Edward's retreating form to actually look at him. Jacob Black was a poser. He followed whatever trend the campus had to offer and this time the trend was Edward. He was dressed like Edward in his gray t-shirt and matching flannel along with beat up chucks with baggy jeans. He even styled his hair in the same mess fucked up do that Edward wore. It was pathetic and oddly endearing all at once to see him idolize his friend.

"Fuck off Jacob. It's not like you would understand," I said in a haughty tone that made him roll his eyes at me.

"I understand that he's into you, but I'm fucking clueless as to why," he said before turning to leave me there gaping like fish out of water over his words.

Edward was into me. Well, of course he was. He had always been into me. We had been friends long ago before sex turned our good relationship into something so twisted that I couldn't even recognize the boy who used to bring me flowers on Valentine's Day every year since we were five.

"Go fuck yourself, Black," Leah said in a menacing manner that made Jake scurry off like the fucking rat bastard he was, but his words lingered behind him like a dark cloud over my head.

It was his words that heard as I felt Edward's eyes heavy upon me as I sat by Riley Biers with a drink in hand. It was his words that rang through me as I looked into Riley's blue eyes while the room started to spin from the vodka and lemonade I was drinking. It was his words and the image of an angry, pouting Edward that I saw as I stepped out into the cool darkness of the night to try to catch my breath from fast moves Riley was trying to make on me with his hands upon my thighs or wrapped around my shoulder. He was subtle, but even in my half assed drunken state I knew what he was doing. He was touching me in hopes for more. I could feel it in the sense of desperation in how he held me too him under the disguise of teasing. It was irritating and left me feeling horribly uncomfortable.

Riley was a good guy who deserved more than a girl who was just barely put together enough for a first date. He deserved a girl who didn't have an ex who dogged her every foot step, keeping guys at bay while refusing to be with her at all. He deserved more than what I had to offer him, yet he hung in there, talking, touching and promising to be the good guy I needed in my life. His promises were sugar sweet and full of temptation. They left me with a sour stomach and a nervous feeling as I looked around to find Edward gone once more as I stepped out with the promise to return once I cooled down.

I had barely stepped out into the cool night before I felt a strong arm wrap around my middle and pull me back abruptly against a hard body, causing me to scream in fright just as a hand descended over my mouth. I felt the panic settle over me like a bucket of ice water, washing away all the warm fuzziness that the vodka provided while leaving me feeling alert and hyper aware of how bad the situation I was in.

I forced myself to remain calm as I started to swing my elbows trying to hit the man who was holding me, but came up with nothing so without another thought I bit down on the hand that was coving my mouth. My teeth sunk into the meaty hand that was covering my mouth, causing the man to scream out in pain.

"What the fuck, Bella? It's just me!" Edward screamed as he jerked his hand out of my mouth with a yelp of pain that stunned me. I froze in his arms as he continued to cuss me for biting him unexpectedly.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he demanded as he shook me a little while continued to swing at him blindly.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I demanded as he continued to hold me against him so that my back was against his chest.

"Who in their right mind would grab a person like that?" I yelled at him as I struggled to break free from his hold, but he held me too tight.

"I'm sorry. Don't be mad at me anymore, ok," he said in a soft pleading tone that hinted that he was more than just spry for scaring the shit out of me by grabbing me in the dark. It was his sad tone that hurt me, and left me reeling as I slumped against him in almost defeat. I hated that he was hurt somehow. I hated that I had hurt him. He was Edward. He was my Edward and the thought of hurting him made me ill.

"Edward," I said in a whisper that was more like a prayer as I felt his body soften against mine as well before he buried his face in my neck and just breathed me in.

"You can't do that, Bella," I listened to his whisper against my skin.

"You can't just, fucking… do that," he mumbled against my neck causing goose bumps to break out as his hot breath washed over my neck in a suggestive manner, almost making me forget that I had no idea what he was speaking of.

"You can't just let him touch you," he whispered in an anguished whisper as I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up on end with anger and the heartache that his words left me with.

"You have no right," I whispered to him as I fought to get out of his grip. I didn't want to hear about how I couldn't let another touch me. I didn't want to hear about how I was hurting him since he had lost that right to me when he walked away.

"I do," he replied in a heated whisper, disagreeing with me as he held me tighter against him, so tight he was robbing me of the air I breathed with his hold on me.

"I do have a right," he said adamantly as he suddenly spun me around in his arms so that I was facing him in the darkness of the night. Even in the shadows I could see how hurt he was and it was beautiful. He was beautiful, but he always was that way with his green eyes and strong jaw. He looked angelic with a naughty side of him with his nice cheek bones and slightly crooked nose that hinted at a time when I had accidently broken it while playing around. He was stunning with his green eyes burning bright on alcohol on anger as he looked at me. He took my breath away and left me speechless whenever he was like this.

"He has no right to touch you because you are mine," he whispered in a ragged tone of anger and reckless determination. It was his anger that was fueling my own as I glared back at him.

"You lost me the minute you walked away," I hissed at him, but was silenced by his vodka flavored kiss as his lips crashed into mine. He was harsh and cruel in his kiss. He was claiming and victorious. He was the Edward I knew all too well and loved to hate.

His lips worked against mine, slowly morphing form a hard kiss to one so sweet that it made my head spin from the abrupt change in his how he kissed me. Slowly, ever so slowly, his moved his lips against mine, kissing, licking, sucking on my bottom lip until I finally relented with a gasp, and opened my mouth to his invasion. His tongue quickly greeted mine with a warm sweep of welcome as he slowly tangled with mine in a sensual manner that made my legs shake in anticipation.

While Edward and I as a couple may have been a train wreck, sex was always more than amazing. It was mind blowing. It was claiming and passionate. It was perfect and harsh. It was the best I ever had and it was the only reason we seemed to find ourselves together at times since when we weren't lost in each other's flesh we were at each other's throats.

His broke our kiss with as gasp for air before moving his kisses along my jaw and down my neck.

"I missed you," he whispered softly against my skin. I knew it was true. I knew he missed me since I had missed him.

"I need to taste you," he whispered softly to me, not asking, but telling me what his intentions were. Edward never asked. He took and that was how he was.

"I need to feel you around my cock," he said firmly as he pushed against me, pinning me against a wooden picnic table that was hidden in the shadows where we lurked together. I couldn't speak to tell him no and I wasn't sure if it was because I knew I wouldn't tell him no.

"Baby, look at me," Edward pleaded as he moved, forcing his hand under my chin so that he could hold my face up to make me look him in the eyes. When I finally relented and met his gaze I was lost. The air around us disappeared as I looked into his deep green eyes that seemed to hold all our sweet past and fucked up future as he looked at me, willing me to understand something that I never did when it came to us. I never understood his need for me. I never understood how he claimed to need me only to turn and leave me alone. I never understood how the boy I loved had become the man I could barely stand.

"You're mine, Bella. Always mine," he said as he looked into my eyes with a challenging look. He was daring me to deny it. He was challenging me to say otherwise and while the words were on the tip of my tongue I could not speak them. They wouldn't come out so instead I remained in my forced silence as we looked at each other, looked in battle for ownership over our fucked up relationship.

I felt his hands upon my waist for a moment, hoisting me upon the wooden picnic table with ease just as he stepped between my legs, parting them as wide as my skirt would let them go as I struggled to remain upright while holding on to the table. His hand caressed my inner thigh and then down behind my knee as I squirmed against his hand.

"So pretty, baby," he whispered softly as his hand caressed my cheek just as his other hand slipped under my skirt to tease my inner thigh with his touch. It was a touch that made me pussy ache and caused me to shift to bring his fingers closer to where I wanted them to be. My movements caused him to chuckle wickedly as I twisted against him.

"Tell me you want me," he whispered while looking into my eyes with a lust filled eyes that made my heart ache.

"Tell me," he whispered while I remained silent unsure of what to say to him since no matter what I said it wasn't the right words.

"I'll make you say it," he said with more determination than anger as he peppered my face with kisses just as his fingers grazed the thin strip of cotton that covered my pussy. It was a teasing a touch, yet it was strong and knowing because he did know me. He knew me better than anyone else. He knew how to make my body sing for him. He knew how to touch me to make me cum so hard it left me breathless. He knew my body better than I knew myself because he was the one who had taught me how to fuck. He was the one who showed me how my body could respond. He was the one who claimed me as his years ago under the stars in his parents' back yard while the jazz music that his father played drifted out over the field to mask our breathing and cries while the stars witnessed our lovemaking.

Edward kissed along my neck, kissing and nipping until he finally sucked hard enough to mark me as his, but the mark was not needed. I carried his mark on my soul and it was more painful than any hickey could ever be.

His hand traced over the outline of my pussy lips, slipping up and down along the damp fabric until I cried out from the tormented pleasure of his touch.

"That's my Bella," he moaned against my neck as I struggled to hold on to the table, but refused to hold on to him. I refused to touch him. I refused to look at him. It was subtle, but my way of telling him that he could have my body, but my heart was now off limits to him.

"I need to taste you, baby. It's been too long," he said in a gravelly voice that caused the ache in my belly to hurt with need since he was right. It had been too long. It had been too long since he had me like this. It had been too long since I had my Edward the way I knew him. It had been too long since I had felt him like this with him being him, not the other man that he had become.

I felt the cold surround me as he stepped back away from me to allow some space between us before grabbing the ends of my skirt. I watched his with marvel and surprise as he jerked the skirt upwards until it was over my hips leaving me in only my calve high boots and black lace panties on display for him. I could feel his eyes heavy and hungry as he looked at me before hooking his fingers on the side of my panties, pulling them off me before tossing them into the black abyss that surrounded us so that I lay bare before him.

Edward looked at my pussy with the intensity of a man looking at a cold glass of water after days in the dessert. It was a feeling that I would take with me to my grave. It was a feeling of power and control in a situation where I had none. It was a feeling of want and aching for a man that was no longer really there. It was the feeling of knowing that even if it was for just a moment I was the center of his universe.

"Baby," his whispered in a reverent tone that made me blush as he dropped to his knees on the bench before me while my heart leaped in my chest with excitement. He was here. He was with me now and in this moment if this was all he had to offer me I would take it.

My legs fell open as he pressed himself between them. The feeling was as familiar as my own touch as he ran his nose long my inner thigh, kissing me as he went until he reached my exposed pussy then only to turn and kiss my other thigh.

"I missed you like this," he whispered against my wet skin, causing me to shudder with the vibrations of his words against my clit. I had missed him as well. I had missed him too much, so much that it hurt even to admit it.

I felt his tongue take a long sweep over my pussy going from entrance to clit as I closed my eyes and settled back against the hard wood table top, letting him lick me while not giving a damn who would see us like this. He licked me slowly as if he was savoring my taste before he stopped, causing me to lift my head to see what was wrong.

"Watch me Bella," he said as his eyes held mine in almost a trance as his leaned forward and licked me slowly, and lovingly.

"Watch me as I lick your sweet pussy," he whispered almost against my skin as I watched him, mesmerized over his actions.

"Watch me as I fuck you, baby," he said with a gravelly voice before he licked me again, pressing into me while causing my eyes to roll in the back if my head from the feeling of his tongue inside of me. It was perfect. It was heavenly. It was so good that it made my eyes close even though I needed to watch him like this since I didn't know when he would be like this again.

"So sweet, baby," he moaned before lapping at the wetness that seemed to leak from me as I felt the burning of an orgasm building inside of me with each lick of his magical tongue.

My arms shook with exertion as I held myself up to watch this man who I barely knew anymore tongue fuck me while I cried out in pleasure.

"That's it baby, cry for me," he called out to me, causing me to choke on his words and the pleasure of his tongue since he had no idea how often I cried for him.

"Cum for me, baby. I've missed watching you as cum for me, baby," he whispered and then worked his tongue harder, and faster inside of me while his finger moved from holding me open to rubbing my clit in time to his tongue.

With one last thrust of his tongue timed with the hard pinch of my clit caused my entire body to spasm as I arched up while he pressed his face into me, pushing me to cum even harder under his touch.

"Edward," I gurgled as I clutched his hair tightly as his tongue continued to push inside of me while I felt months of tension, of loss, of heartache all centered on Edward wash away with each pleasure filled shudder of my body.

I barely had time to breathe when I felt him move back away from me. I looked at his face since I needed to know that it was Edward, my Edward who was making love to me, but in the darkness I couldn't see anything except the shimmer of wetness on his lips and chin from me. I watched as the shadow of Edward unbuttoned his pants and then groaned as his hard cock was set free. I wanted to see him. I wanted to taste him. I wanted look into his eyes and know, but there was no time. He was rushed. He was almost panicked in his movements to claim me, to fuck me, to be inside of me and I could not complain since after six months of nothing I needed him too.

I moved to the edge of the table while placing my feet on the edge of so that I was open and exposed for him, only for him. Edward wasted no time admiring the dimly lit view of my pussy ready for him before stepping forward to slip the head of his cock along my pussy to tease me before leaning back enough to align his cock with me before slamming inside with a low groan. It was that groan that made me gasp for air. It was that groan that made me think of how good we could be together if only he would let us. It was the low groan that told me how much he missed us like, bare and raw in the moment together.

"Fuck, baby, always so fucking good," he moaned loudly as he settled deep inside of me while resting his forehead against my shoulder while I cried out from the pain of being so full of him inside of me and my heart. It was consuming. He was consuming. He was everywhere. I could feel him so deep inside of me, stretching me, filling me with his large, hard cock while he robbed me of another piece of my heart and soul.

I felt his deep, steadying breath before he pulled out of me, just leaving barely the head of his cock inside of me, letting me feel how hollow, how empty I was without him before plunging forward and filling me once more. The rational side of my brain screamed at me to stop, to demand, to at least insist on a condom since I had no idea who he had been within our time apart, but that side was silenced by the moan on Edward's lips as he pushed deep into me once more.

This was heaven. This was hell. This was Edward and I while I knew it would hurt and it did hurt, it also was too beautiful to miss.

"My Bella. Only my Bella," he murmured in a ragged tone as he built a rhythm of filling me until I thought I would come apart around him only to have him leave me empty and alone.

"I love you," he whispered against my ear with harsh breath and a tight grip in my hair as he forced my face up to look at him as he fucked me so good, so deep that I never wanted it to end. I never wanted him to end.

My hands tangled in his hair, clawed at his back and just tried to hold him to me like I always did until he could stand it no longer. His fingers rubbed and pinched my clit as he thrust faster and harder into my body which shook with the force of his thrusting.

"Baby, cum for me," he moaned into my ear, pleading with me to cum for him, asif he ever needed to plead for me to cum.

"Cum on my cock, baby, I need to feel it," he growled through gritted teeth as he tried to hold back as I felt my body tighten with each whispered plea and hard thrust until I finally let go in an explosion of star and stuttered words just for him as I lost control just for him.

"Fuck," he moaned loudly as his thrusts became faster, more erratic until he finally pushed as deep as he could with a throaty groan that made my belly twist with want as he came inside of me as I tried to hold him to me. His body shook and pushed against mine, pumping his cum deep inside of me as I held him while he moaned my name over and over again as if it were a prayer to him.

I held him close while he continued to struggle to breathe with me. It was always in these moments that the fear returned. The fear over who would greet me as he looked into my eyes. Would it be my Edward whom I loved or the man who took his place? I closed my eyes as I felt the tears starting to form while he placed wet kiss after wet kiss along my neck as his breathing slowed to match mine, yet he remained wrapped up inside of me.

I was holding him when the first sounds reached us, pulling us out of the bubble of togetherness we would create after being that close that intimate with one another.

"Bella?" I heard Riley call out to me with concern in his voice. It was all it took to burst the bubble of orgasmic bliss and replace it with the cold reality of how we were together. I could feel Edward's body stiffen above mine as Riley called my name again. He moved suddenly, leaving me and my body so that a rush of cold air replaced him as I shuddered in response.

"You better go," he said in hard tone as I closed my eyes and shook my head over what we had become and what we could have been.

"Don't be like this," I whispered to him, pleading with him to understand. He had to understand that I was not about to wait for him any longer. He had to understand that this had nothing to do with loving him, but all to do with self preservation. He had to understand this, yet as I looked into his hard green eyes he didn't.

"Get out of here," he hissed in anger at me as he shoved at my parted legs, closing them with a disgusted grunt as he pulled his pants up to cover himself while I sat there fighting off the tears that threatened to spill over.

I moved to stand up, feeling the ache that he created with his hard fucking inside of me and it matched the ache in my heart as I tugged at my skirt until I was covered except for my lack of panties that were lost to the darkness around us. I adjusted my skirt and then my shirt before running a hand through my hair while Riley continued to call my name. I could feel Edward's eyes heavy upon me with anger and distrust as he watched me.

"Edward," I managed to say in a whisper, unsure of what I would say since what was there to say now? There was nothing since he understood nothing any more.

"Just get the fuck out of here, Bella," he said as he pulled a cigarette out of his shirt pocket as if there was nothing wrong, but I could see the tremor in his hand as he brought it up to his kiss swollen lips. I took one last look at him since I never knew when I would see him again. I wanted to memorize his messy brown hair, how long his fingers were, how he closed his eyes when he took that first drag off the cigarette. I wanted to memorize how he moved, how he laughed, how he smiled, but instead all I saw was the shadow of the boy I used to love standing there alone just like he had left me so many times before.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it! I have plans to post a chapter each week for this story, most likely on Wednesdays.**

**Thanks to Dirty Cheeky Monkey for the chance to write this since I wrote it for them and I hope I will be invited back to share smut with the world : ) Thanks to Cejsmom to betaing this and if there are any lingering mistakes they are all mine.**

**Take care,**

**Mamasutra**

**xoxo**


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I stumbled my way back to the party on weak knees from sex too good to be healthy for me in effort to find Leah. I had to find her. I needed to get out of here before Edward lost his mind and did who knows what next. He was in a dangerous mood and that only meant that I needed to get away as soon as possible.

"Leah?" I called out into a dark room that obviously was occupied by the soft sounds and wet kissing that echoed throughout the silence in it.

"Damn it," I heard the familiar muttering of my friend as a matching groan filled the space around us as I flicked the lights on to find Leah straddling her on and off again fuck buddy Sam who had his hands covering her tits.

"Jesus, Bella, don't you knock?" she asked me as I stood there for a moment looking at the couple that was too beautiful for words as they lay tangled together. It made me wonder if Edward and I ever looked as perfect when we were lost in each other. I questioned if we ever looked so amazing or were we always out of step like we are now.

"Be, you ok?" Leah asked me as she looked at me with her critical gaze that seemed to scan me for any signs of visible injury, but all of my pain was on the inside. All of my wounds were in my heart so there was nothing for her or anyone else to see since after all, how could she see a broken heart?

"She's a big, Lee-lee. Aren't' you Bella? Now would you leave us alone?" Sam grumbled in a frustrated manner that resulted in a slap against his bare chest from Leah as she dismounted him like a pro before managing to pull on her shirt once more.

"I need to go," I whispered to her while she struggled with her jeans that were on the side of the bed just as Sam sat up with a grunt of anger. She knew what was wrong without me saying another word.

"Fucking Cullen," Leah mumbled as she struggled to zip her too tight jeans.

"I just need to go," I said to her softly, not wanting to fight about Edward, not now, not ever. There would be time to fight about Edward later on, but for now I just needed out.

"What are you? Fucking deaf? Did you hear her, Sam? Bella needs to go!" she yelled at Sam in irritation as she shoved at his shoulder while he continued to sit there with his jeans half on. Sam mumbled nonsense in anger as he pulled up his jeans while standing up. His dark eyes met mine and I could see the frustrated fury that burned within him, but as soon as the fire had started it had melted as he looked at me.

Sam was an asshole who only thought with his dick, but I could always count on him to get me home. He knew how it was with Edward. He had been there for some of the worst of it. He had witnessed the anger, the screaming, and the accusations that were senseless and left me choking on my tears. He knew and had always been there for me.

"Come on, Be, let's go," he said with a soft smile of empathy for me as he yanked his shirt down. He turned to look at a scowl towards Leah that quickly morphed into a wicked grin that made her roll her eyes at him. That was Sam and Leah. Always teasing. Always fighting. Always loving even though they both said they didn't.

Once they were dressed we walked out into the hall with Sam leading and Leah right behind me, holding my hand. The party goers were everywhere. They filled the front room and spilled into the kitchen. They were loud and laughing. They were having fun like I should have been, like I would have been if things were different. If life was different. If I was able to let go of a boy who refused to let go of me.

We pushed our way out the front door with the crowd blocking us, trapping us inside for a moment until Sam finally bulldozed our way out. We shoved our way through the tangled mess on the front porch only to find out why the crowd had formed.

There in the middle of the front yard was Edward. His hair was standing on end from my hands and no doubt his and he had discarded the flannel shirt he had been wearing. The gray t-shirt he had on was splattered with blood as it dripped from his nose and his bloody knuckles while he stood there with a menacing look on his face that made him look more demon like than the boy I had always loved. Beneath him a boy laid flat on his back on the cold ground, gasping for air. It was Riley, who was twisting to stand up and face an outraged Edward, who was clearly hell bent on destroying him.

"Edward!" I screamed at him as I broke free from Leah's grasp to shove my way through the crowd to reach him to put an end to this madness that seemed to surround us when he was at his worst.

"Oh, good you're here," Edward said in a breathless tone of mockery as I pushed another person out of the way to reach him. I looked at his face and could see how closed off he was. I could see the ice in his eyes. I could see that the boy I loved was nowhere to be found and in his place was this person that I could barely stand.

"Stop this now, Edward!" I pleaded with him, distracting him enough to give Riley time to stand once more.

"No, I won't," he said like a defiant child. He always behaved like a spoiled brat when he was like this. He would demand his way even though his way was pure madness.

"You wanted this, Bella. You wanted him," he said as I took hold of his hands in mine, trying to stop him, but he quickly jerked his hands free while glaring at me.

"This is your fault," Edward continued on as I tried to touch him, to calm him like I always had in the past, but it wasn't working.

"This is your fault," Edward repeated in an angry hiss as he looked down at me with ice cold hate in his eyes. It was always this look that killed me, that left me broken, that made me realize that he wasn't who I needed him to be.

"Edward, you're being unreasonable. Riley did nothing to you," I said trying to make him see that he was being ridiculous, but knowing that he would never see the flaw in his thinking as we stood in the eye of storm together.

"Did nothing? Did nothing?" he screamed at me with a rage that burned my flesh as it rolled over me in a molten wave of hate as the crowd became larger, milling around us, waiting to see what their newly appointed king would claim as Riley's sins against him.

"He touched you, Bella," he hissed lowly as his eyes darted from mine to the boy who was struggling to stand once more.

"He touch you and you are mine," Edward growled at me while eyeing Riley with hard eyes meant to intimidate, but Riley seemed more rattled than scared as he watched Edward who was moments away from lunging at him once more.

"You are mine, Bella. Fucking mine! He knew it too and now he has to pay," Edward screamed at me before shoving me out of the way to take a swing at Riley once more. There was no time to react as I watched Edward's fist connect with Riley's nose.

I watched as Riley stumbled backwards while Edward pursued him with an evil laugh. The sound of squad cars sirens filled the air as he continued towards the boy who had done nothing wrong except show interest in me. He didn't deserve a beat down for liking me. Riley didn't deserve a broken nose or jaw just for wanting to take me out, but that was Edward. He was all fury and fists when he thought another was trying to take me away from him, but what he never understood was that the only person taking me away from him was truly him.

"Edward!" I screamed as I grabbed hold of his arms, trying to prevent him from hitting Riley again, but instead of preventing the punch, I ended up with his elbow grazing my eye just as he pulled his arm back to land a punch on Riley once more. The pain was shocking and left me blind and breathless as I stumbled backwards in shock.

My outcry of pain was enough to cause Edward to stop the mindless violence and turn to face me.

"Jesus, Bella," he said in a panicked gasp as his hands came up immediately to cup my face, holding me there as if his touch could heal me. There was a time that I would have believed it could, but now it just left me feeling an off combination of relief and toxicity.

I watched as Sam pulled Riley out of the line of fire while Edward scanned my face, murmurings his half assed apologies in between kisses as he held me to him.

"Let's go," I whispered to him as he pressed a soft kiss against my check while whispering his non sense to me.

"What were you thinking?" he asked me in a low whisper as he held me to him in an embrace that was so tender that it brought tears to my already stinging eyes. It was this Edward that I loved. The boy who worried about me and cried for me when I was hurt. This was the boy I knew and loved.

"You should have known better," he whispered to me as he pulled his face away from mine to look me in the eyes so I could see his misplaced judgment against my actions that was telling me that this, just like everything else was my fault.

His judgment hurt more than my eye. His blame burned me, but it was burn I was used to. He always blamed me since it could never be his fault. He did nothing wrong. He was always right. He was the wronged party. He was always the victim. He was full of shit.

I bit back my rage as I let him touch me. I was used to doing this, but each time it happened it made the next time even harder to take.

"Edward, we should go and have your father look you over," I said in a soothing tone as I touched his cut up hands; hand that he had cut on Riley's face. I could only hope that Riley was ok since I wouldn't have time to seek him out until I had Edward taken care of.

"Yeah, we should," he said as he looked down at his hands, forgetting about my swollen eye as he looked over his own injuries. I looked back towards Leah and found her watching me with a hard stare. I knew what she was thinking and I had no doubt that I would hear it from her later, but for now I had Edward to tend to.

Edward draped his arm around me as he pulled me along side of him towards Jacob's car while Jacob dogged his steps like an excited puppy, recanting the fight as if it was the best thing that had happened around here in weeks instead of the embarrassment it truly was. I let him yammer on as Edward held me close to him while we walked with his nose buried in my hair as if he was breathing me in instead of the oxygen that he needed to survive. In the past, I used to love how he would hold me close, making me feel like it was for me, but I knew better now. It was all for him. I knew that I was all he needed, and what I needed was not a consideration when he was like this. Edward continued to hang off of me, making it almost impossible for me to walk since he needed me that close to him, but now it was just another weight upon me, anchoring me to him with the heavy chain that was his supposed love for me.

The drive to the Cullen house was filled with Jacob's nonsense and Edward's brooding. He was silent and silence when he was in a mood like this was not necessarily the best thing, but I left it alone. I was only there to make sure he was fine and once he was safely within his father's care I would leave him.

The drive was long and tedious as Jacob annoyed and Edward terrorized me with his silence, since it was always the silence that was most scary when it came to being with him until the Cullen house appeared before us. It was large and stately looking. It screamed money and opulence. It dripped with all the obscene frivolities that that wealthy drape themselves in to show off their success. It was far from homey, yet it was the home Edward had grown up in and the only one I knew where I could take him since I had no idea where he was living now.

The door flung up as Jacob parked the car in front of a large three car garage with Esme, Edward's step mom, stepping out to greet us with a smile of surprise until she saw how damaged we were as we got out of the car. It was all that was needed for her to scream for Carlisle as she stood there, watching us, watching me as I helped Edward towards the house.

This wasn't new. This wasn't the first time I had brought Edward back from a fight that was my fault or so he claimed. This wasn't the first time he had broken knuckles or cut his hands on the face of some random guy who he thought was hitting on me just by giving me a friendly smile. This was just the first time that he hurt himself over a guy that was actually my date.

Carlisle appeared at his wife's side instantaneously and let out a started gasp as he saw us. He approached the car as Edward remained silent; forcing us to stop even though I wanted nothing more than to bring him into the house so I could leave. I needed to be alone. I needed time to digest the fact that he was back and not only that, but he was here and just as damaged, just as lost as what he was when he left me six months ago in the parking lot of the Forks Diner.

"Edward, what the hell happened?" Carlisle demanded as he approached us with a grim look on his face. His eyes darted from Edward to mine as I stood there with his son's arm around my shoulders, holding me to him, like a chain that left me bound there.

"Ask Bella," he said in a cold tone as he started to move, pulling me with him like he always did, like he could continue to until there was nothing left of me to pull.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Just to clear some things up, this story involves mental illness. The Edward I am writing here is bi polar. While I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist, I have been married to man for almost seventeen years that is bipolar, who now has been on meds for about a year now. Much of what I am writing I have experienced firsthand with him. Irrational jealousy, illusions of grandeur, spontaneous decisions without regard for those it affects, and the never ending cycle of rage. Each person who happens to be bi polar experiences it differently and, by no means am I stating that I'm an expert. I'm just stating how I saw things in the eye of the storm with the man who loves me more than what is reasonable. **

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I wandered around the living room, ignoring Edward's rants as Carlisle questioned him about his injuries. It was pointless to questions since Carlisle had to know by now what the answers would be, yet he persisted in seeking out Edward's twisted version of the truth. Carlisle had more patience than me when it came to moments like these, but then again he had long stopped being the bull's eyes for Edward's rage.

I looked at the pictures that lined the walls of the room. They were a random mix as eclectic as the subject of them. I roamed the room watching Edward grow up before my eyes until I focused on him at the age sixteen. It was then that I had met the boy who would change my world. I could not suppress the giggle as I stared at him with his wild hair that always seemed to stand on end from the nervous habit he had of pulling at his hair. He was hiding behind the dark framed glasses that he used to wear so he could hide behind them and wore a happy grin while placing a lazy arm around my shoulder. He looked young, so damn young, but more than that he looked happy. It was that happiness mixed with a confidence that was purely Edward that had pulled me towards him.

_The band was deafening as I stood close to the stage, watching the lead singer pour his heart out before us in the form of a song. I lived for those moments of when I could feel the emotion of the song, so when Leah pulled me back towards the table with a sharp tug on my arm I was more than pissed. It was with that horrible attitude that I came face to face with a dark haired boy that smiled at me from behind dark frame glasses with eyes as green as a field of grass._

_ He was cute and confident. Two things that I always looked for in a guy._

_ "So, you're Bella?" he questioned me with a half grin as if he had a secret he was dying to share with me._

_ "Yeah," I found myself mumbling over my ridiculous embarrassment with a grin that seemed to match his._

_ "I'm Edward," he replied with a cocky grin as if there was no need for last names or exchanges like that since knowing him would be all I needed. He was right, of course._

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading! **

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

Looking back maybe I should have known. Maybe I should have seen that Edward wasn't like everyone, but that was what I liked about him. I liked his confidence. I loved that when he asked me a question he truly wanted to know what I thought. He would challenge me to defend my position and loved me when I did. He was romantic, but not in the tradition sense. He rarely brought me flowers since he knew I didn't really care for them, but instead would buy me coffee and spend hours with me in my favorite book store. He would be content to watch me go from aisle to aisle, pausing to read books and sip on the coffee he had brought me with a grin on his face before kissing me breathless when no one was watching us.

Edward was traditionalist which was seemed odd for the boy, yet so fitting in the way that everything meant something to him. Everything had meaning and I could relate to that since I longed for meaning in my life as well. It took him two dates before he kissed me, but when he did it was earth shattering. I could feel the kiss burning through my soul, binding me to him as if we alone had invented it. He became my world, but more than that I became his.

**AN:  
Thanks for reading! **

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

I was lost in the past and images of the boy I loved when I felt his eyes upon me. It was a heavy and comforting feeling that made my heart race while feeling me with a sense a dread as well.

"What are you looking at?" he asked me in a low whisper as if it were a secret.

What was I looking at? A past that was not all that long ago, but so far out of my reach? Was it a boy that I no longer knew, but still loved to the point of destruction? I wasn't sure what I was looking at any more.

"You," I whispered back to him as I felt him slip closer to me. His body heat warmed me as he pressed close without touching.

"Let me see your eye, princess," he whispered to me in a soothing tone. I loved his soothing tone. It was smooth as silk and soft as velvet.

I turned to look at him and then listened to his low hiss of displeasure. I knew my eye wasn't that bad, but this was Edward's way. He would over react. He would rant and rave. He would do all of this in the name of protecting me.

"I should have ended his life," I heard him grumble as I rolled my eyes in response.

"Riley did nothing wrong," I defended the boy that he tried to take apart piece by piece.

"That's where you're wrong, Bee. He was with you and that is more than wrong since you belong with me," he stated confidently as if it were a fact instead of some made up belief that only he subscribed to. I remained silent since I was tired of arguing with him over this.

"You know you're my north star," he half whispered to me in a ragged tone that suggested that he actually worried about me moving on, leaving him behind like he so richly deserved. I wanted him to worry. I wanted him to hurt like I had. I wanted him to lose sleep wondering where I was and what I was doing without him, yet I could never be that cruel to him.

"I know," I managed to say as I turned away from him once more.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Sorry about the delay in updates. Real life has been…. Interesting.**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.

The apartment looked the same as what I had left it with everything in its place, yet nothing where it should be. I could feel his eyes heavy upon me as I he watched me standing there, refusing to move any further inside than what I had to.

It was his idea to come here as he refused to accept the fact that I had moved out. It was always his idea and his method to get what he wanted.

"Take me home, Edward," I whispered to him as I stood there, refusing to look at the boy who had brought me to the one place I had promised myself I would never return to. It hurt too much to be there since this was our place. The place where I was his and life was good. It was home every bit as much as what he was home to me. I had promised myself the night I left that there was no going back, yet there I stood with him watching me.

"Why did you leave me?" he asked me in a soft whisper that sounded more like a ghost than the boy I loved.

"You left me first," I countered back, not bothering to hide the bitterness that held me hostage every time I thought of him leaving me.

"You act like I had a choice," he scoffed, disregarding my anger just like he always did in that damn smug tone of his. He never took me or my accusations seriously. He had no idea that it was always about him. Everything was about him. My life revolved around him and his quick laugh over it did nothing to ease the rage that always seems to bubble right below the surface in moments like these.

"You did have a choice, and you chose to leave," I shot back to him, calling him out on the lie that he refused to own.

"I did it for you. It's always for you," he snapped at me as if I was supposed to understand him, but I didn't. I couldn't understand the method that surrounded his madness.

"That's a lie," I countered back with a growl and then waited for the surge of anger from the boy that would surely follow my own, but it never came. Instead, I was I was greeted with a hard embrace and searing kiss that silenced me by burning me alive.

**AN:**

**Thanks for reading!**

**Xoxo**

**Mamasutra**


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